By Stache

I had only been in this town for a few days so I decided to take a drive around and survey my new surroundings. I was stopped at a red light and looked over at the car beside my truck and noticed the driver had a nice flattop haircut. Id been wearing a longer flattop for a couple of years. Nothing too extreme, blended up the back and sides with no skin showing just short enough on top to give the appearance of a flattop. I thought it looked pretty good on me. I looked in the rearview mirror and realized I hadn't had a cut for over a month. I wanted to look good for my first day at my new duty station so I decided to find a barbershop and get a trim.

A few lights down, I saw a barber pole down a small side street and decided to check it out. I parked around the side and walked around front. As I approached the door it opened and out came a fella around my age with a nice around the ears taper cut. His skin looked white around this neck so I figured he had just gotten a major haircut. He held the door for me so I took a deep breath and went in.

There was only one barbers chair. It was old fashioned red leather with a barber in his late forty's that had longer curly brownish gray hair and a thick mustache. He was placing a cape around a man in his late 60's. The barber (Larry), gave me a slight nod as I took a chair on the side near the window to wait my turn. There were 5 others waiting for haircuts. This would be a long wait. 

There was a huge pile of brown hair on the floor. I assumed it was from the fella I met leaving as I came in. Larry started joking with his current customer. In a low voice he said "that kids trim was a bit more than he expected". The old guy laughed as the clippers started buzzing his 1/2 inch hair down to 1/4 inch stubble. Five minutes later, a new customer was being ushered into the chair.

Up next was a kid about 15 years old that had been caught by his father skipping school. Evidently this haircut was his punishment. Larry, he seems to stay in trouble these days. Give him a good haircut. Mabie if he looks more respectable he'll start acting that way. The boy was obviously not a happy camper. His hair was parted down the center covering his ears and well below his collar. Okay, one respectable haircut coming right up! It was obvious from the look on his face, that the barber was going to enjoy this.

He snapped the clippers to life and placed his left hand on top of the kids head and pushed it down. From my seat, to the left of the chair, I had the perfect view as he sent the clippers up the back of his head plowing a path all the way up to the crown. As he lowered the clippers for another pass, I could see a strip of 1/8 inch fuzz left behind. I couldn't believe what he was doing to this poor kid. In less than 30 seconds he was moving over to his left side.

He buzzed that down then quickly moved to the right side completely blocking the fathers view. As he turned around to change clipper blades, I saw the look of horror on the fathers face. He obviously didn't mean for the barber to give his son this extreme of a haircut. Before he could speak, the barber had turned around and was mowing a path from front to back about 3/8 of an inch long.

The father sat there speechless as Larry blended the sides into the top and finished off the cut by mowing a landing strip down the center of the kids head. He ended up with a cross between a flattop and a butch. He spun the kid around to face the mirror and said "now that is a good respectable haircut for a young man". The kid looked like he had been hit with a club. I really felt bad for him. The father said " go ahead, Ill meet you at the car" and made his way up to Larry as he pulled his wallet from his back pocket. After the kid went out, the father said next time I as for a respectable haircut just give him a regular taper please. You said respectable, what I gave him was respectable. The father left shaking his head. This didn't phase Larry at all. He shook out the cape and said NEXT!

A cop took up a seat in the chair next. He had a basic long businessman’s cut full on the back and sides. Just a light trim Sir. As he fastened the cape around his neck he said "so your getting ready for tomorrows inspection Huh"? The chief was in earlier and said I would probably be seeing some of his men in today. Yeah, he's a stickler for us to keep out hair trimmed over the ears. 

The clippers snapped to life and he forcefully pushed the officers head down as he had done the young man ahead of him. The clippers made a path up the back of his head stopping at the top of the crown. Two passes followed quickly behind and I could see he was buzzing the cops hair down to 1/2 inch. With his black hair, the scalp was clearly visible. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. 

He had clearly asked for a light trim! Following the sides meeting the same fate as the back, Larry started tapering the back up super tight. When he moved from the side I could see just a hint of a shadow of his sideburn left behind. The top was blended to 1 inch in the front with the clippers over comb. After shaving around his ears and the back of his neck, The chair was spun around to the mirror. There ya go buddy, a good inspection haircut. I couldn't believe it. The cop didn't even look surprised. He just said "Yeah, the chief will be real happy with this haircut. He paid the barber and made his way out the door with his new ivy league haircut.
The next customer was a man in his late 50's. He sat in the chair and started up a conversation with Larry immediately. No instructions were given. 

The clippers came to life and the two of them went on about guns and hunting. Then, the customer asked Larry if he ever cut black man's hair. Larry said HELL NO! When they come in I tell um I don't know how to cut it. Then they leave. Some other guys that had came in after me joined in on the conversation. They progressed into a lot of talk about blacks and any other races that weren't white. This really painted the true picture of this barber. He was a true biggot/redneck/ass.

I should have got up and left but I just sat there like a fool. The guy left with a tight taper cut parted on the side with a lot of vitalis in it. He looked like he came out of the 50's.

The customer ahead of me sat in the chair. He also had a long flattop. How about a good short flattop today Larry! Ill fix ya right up buddy! Once again the cut started with a forceful push of the head down. The clippers sprang to life with the 00000 blades attached. This was the first time I had ever seen anyone get a true High and Tight. With the back and sides gone, he moved to the front of the chair and started lopping the top off over a big flat comb. Black hair was flying everywhere. 

Larry sat his clippers down and put some Krew comb on a brush. Next he took out a blow dryer and heated the wax on the brush before brushing it into the guys hair. He brushed and blow-dried for about 1 minute then picked up the clippers again. I thought the cut looked finished. It was really nice and flat already. The next pass with the clippers was truly brutal. He sat them down on the guys crown and mowed a landing strip tight to the skin all the way to within a 1 1/2 inch from the front hairline. 

He freehanded the top and sides giving the guy the shortest flattop I had ever seen. Just a hint of fringe was left on the top in the shape of a horseshoe. I was on the edge of my seat telling myself to get up and RUN! There were by now an additional 5 men waiting for the chair so I felt to embarrassed to leave. I sat there and watched as he took a Norelco razor and shaved the back and sides of the guys head. UNBELIEVABLE! The chair spun around and the guy said Damn Larry, I look like a Jarhead! Yeah a good High and Tight! It looks good on ya don't it? The guy rubbed the back of his head and cringed. He got up ruffled the stubble in front, paid and left. NEXT!

Next! Oh SHIT he's looking at me! I got up on wobbly legs and slowly eased myself down into the chair. The sheet flew over me quickly and was fastened around a tissue tight against my neck. Well buddy, what'll it be? Id like to maintain the style I have now. What style? It looks like a shaggy mess to me. Well, I wear it flat on top and fairly full on the back and sides. NOT HnT like the guy you just finished with! Oh, so you want a regular flattop? No, full on the sides with the top cut just so it resembles a flattop.

With the clippers already buzzing, he said "Ill fix ya right up buddy" and pushed my head down so my chin pressed into my chest. He pressed the already hot clippers against my nape and then quickly moved them up the back of my head mowing a path all the way up to the crown. I said Hey!, I don't want it shaved. His grip on top of my head tightened as he said I'm not shaving you buddy I've got a long guide on my clippers. He continued buzzing the back making sure that all the clipped hair fell behind me so I couldn't see it's length. He moved around to my left side and cut that with the clippers pressing in tight, all the way up around 4 inches above my ears. 

As he moved over to the other side I attempted to turn my head and get a glimpse in the mirror but he quickly caught my head and angled it to the left so he could get to the right side. He finished the right side off then I heard the humb of the clippers change as he changed the blade on them. He started freehand tapering the back and sides. The blades felt awful close so when the clippers fell silent I took my hand out from under the cape and attempted to feel the length at the back. I was too slow, he was already flicking on a new set of clippers for the top and pushed my hand down. 

He started the top at the back using a flattop comb with the clippers. He made his way towards the front and the finial front swipe sent a big clump of hair falling in front of my face over an inch in length. The clippers fell silent and I heard the blow dryer start up. Briskly, he brushed my top hair with the blow dryer scorching my scalp. It felt as though what little hair was left up there would be yanked out. The dryer fell silent and the clippers snapped back to life. He started free hading the top hair side to side. After several passes across the top he used the comb and clippers to blend the sides into the top. 

A brisk brushing followed and then he attacked my mustache without asking. Finally the chain began turning towards the mirror. I couldn't believe what he had done to me. I had mabie 1/2 inch of hair standing up stiff in the front. The glare from the landing strip quickly caught my attention. It was down so short that it looked shaved on top. I had a faint hint of sideburns left, an 1/8 inch mustache and a wide arch around my ears. MAN, I TOLD YOU I WANTED A LONG FLATTOP! This is long, I used a #2 on the back and sides. I got up paid the man and left. I raced home to survey the damage. 

My landlady saw me come in and asked what happened to your hair? I told her id been butchered. She said that it looked pretty good on me. I couldn't believe how short my hair was. I needed some sun on this white scalp bad. I spent about two hours sitting on the deck in the sun. After I took a shower, I waxed my bores hair brush and brushed my stubble. It was a severely short cut but it was a precision haircut. Not one hair was out of place. The flat plane across the top of my head was unbelievable.


I started out my new post two days later. I noticed that everyone I was introduced to surveyed my head as they spoke to me. I definitely had the shortest haircut there.

It took over 6 weeks for my hair to grow out to a descent length. It was looking really shabby so I decided to try out another barber. The new barber cut my hair as I had instructed but it wasn't very evenly cut. The top was crooked. Over the next year I tried multiple barbers around town never satisfied with the cuts. I even tried a stylist. What a mistake. She gave me some retro styled flattop that looked ridiculous. I couldn't leave it like this so I headed back to Larry’s barbershop. He had cut it extremely short the last time but it was a precision haircut.


I went into Larry’s armed this time with a photo of myself from a couple years back. I had a long flattop in the photo with the back and sides blended with no skin showing. The front was only 1 1/2 inches long but the top was cut so hardly any skin was visible. I handed him the photo and said I wanted this same cut again. He glanced at the photo and wrapped the cape around me. Once again my head was pushed forward and the clippers raced up the back of my head. 

This time, the clippers didn't stop at the crown they continued owner it about 1/2 way across the top. A mound of hair the size of a softball came flying past my face. Oh well, too late to say anything now. He proceeded to give me a #1 back and sides with the top fashioned into a horseshoe shape. Followed by a 1/8 inch mustache to match. He must have used a 000 on the sideburns and lower three inches of the back because the shadow with my blonde hair was barely visible.

Why did you scalp me? I showed you a picture of what I wanted. Buddy, you showed me a picture of a flattop and that’s what you got. I don't do styles here, I do haircuts. I left the shop madder than hell! The cut did look really good but it wasn't what I had asked for.

I decided to plot revenge on this barber. He had hair covering his ears, curly and wild. It was time for him to sport the kind of haircut he like to inflict. Nice and Short! I raked my brain. How could I pull it off without hurting him and without getting caught? I thought of all types of ways to restrain him. I couldn't ask anyone for help. They all think I was insane.

The End