Completely Insane

Jared and his father had always gotten along reasonably well, but his father was a total control freak about the smallest and most irrelevant things. He was especially picky about how Jared wore his hair, and this bothered Jared most of all. But it wasn't what you might expect. Jared's friends bitched and moaned about having to go to the barbershop to get crewcuts for the summer, but he was never allowed to have his hair shorter than an inch on any part of his head.

"I just don't see the point of it," Jared's dad would say. "You're going to get male pattern baldness someday and you'll be glad you made the most of having hair while you were young."

Trips to the barbershop were the worst. He remembered many blazing summer afternoons spent waiting at the barbershop where there was no air conditioning, cringing from the hot beads of sweat that trailed down the back of his neck from his thick mop of hair. He watched other young men, his age and older, getting their hair cropped to almost nothing. As if to mock him, they always ran their hands over their heads and said to the barber, "Thanks. Feels much cooler."

Then it was Jared's turn, and his dad's instructions were always the same: "a conservative businessman's cut, not too short, please."

When Jared turned about 13 he refused to go to the barbershop at all. If he wasn't allowed to get the haircut he wanted, he figured, why go at all? Also, he was hoping his parents - his mother at least - would finally get annoyed with his unkempt shoulder-length locks and give him permission to shed them. His best friend since early childhood, Seth, was envious of Jared's thick dark-brown ponytail. "Your parents are so cool to let you have your hair that long," he said. Seth normally got his #2 blond crewcut trimmed once every two weeks.

"No, my dad's a dick," Jared said. "He thinks I'm going to start balding one day and I ought to appreciate this while I've still got it. I really want it all cut off, like yours."

"Funny," Seth said. "I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."

"Yeah, it would be just hilarious if it wasn't so damn hot. My dad will be sorry once my brain gets cooked under all this mess."

Saturdays were Jared's time to spend with his dad, since his mom was working then. The two of them would go out to eat and then to the movies, or bowling, or something else his dad thought would be fun. Now that he was 16, Jared wished he could be left alone to sleep in on Saturday mornings, but his father was quite insistent on having their special "bonding time" together. One weekend, they walked past the barbershop as they were returning home from McDonald's. Jared always liked to peek inside, to see what he was missing. Seeing someone else's haircut in progress was always a real treat, since he liked to imagine it was him in the chair.

A young man a little older than Jared came out of the shop and nearly bumped into Jared and his father. He'd just had his hair buzzed really short and was not looking where he was going as he rubbed his head contentedly. Jared thought he looked great.

"Now why would you shave off all your hair?" Jared's da

d said suddenly. The boy looked surprised.

"You're just going to lose it all anyway, or have to cut it off whenever you get a real job. Why not enjoy it, while you still have it? Like my son here." Jared wished more than anything that he could become invisible.

"I'm sorry, I thought that was your daughter," the boy said coolly, and continued on his way.

"The nerve of that young punk," Jared's dad muttered.

By the time they got home, Jared was more determined than ever to get a real haircut, consequences be damned. He knew his dad had a weird hang-up about short hair, but he never thought he'd embarrass him in public like that.

He went up in his room and examined himself in the bathroom mirror. It wouldn't be enough just to chop at his hair with scissors. No, he would have to get a real clipper cut, like the smart-looking young man he had just seen. He knew his friend Seth would want a piece of the action.

He called Seth's house and told his friend what had happened.

"Man, who pissed in his cereal this morning?" said Seth. "That was totally uncool."

"Anyway, the reason I called is that I've finally decided to get all this hair cut off and I thought you might like to come along."

"For real?" said Seth. "I thought you weren't allowed."

"Yeah, well, my parents can stuff it."

"Wow, how exciting. Where are you going to have it done?"

Jared's heart sank: his plan had hit a snag. He'd assumed his regular barber would do it, but the barber had known Jared's dad for years and surely wouldn't want to incite the man's wrath. The best that could happen was that Jared would walk out of there with the same boring haircut he'd worn when he was a kid.

"Where do you go?" he asked Seth.

"Oh," he replied, "Matt does it for me. I hadn't even thought of that. He's got his own barber kit at his apartment."

Great! Jared thought. "Do you think he'd do mine?"

"Probably. Why don't you bike over here, and I'll call Matt and see if he can do it. I'm sure he's home."

Matt, Seth's brother, was 19. Jared had always liked him. He was much nicer to Jared than most of his friends' older brothers.

Jared told his father he was going to the arcade for the afternoon. He got on his bike and pedaled the half-mile to Seth's house as quickly as he could. It was nearly a hundred degrees outside and by the time he got there, his long hair was sopping wet. He couldn't wait to get rid of it.

"Matt said he'll be happy to do your haircut," said Seth. "Let me get my bike and we'll go over there."

Jared was so excited he could barely pedal straight. He was so glad he could finally be rid of his long, oppressive hair, but what made him even happier was the thought of defying his father.

Matt answered the door without a shirt on. His small apartment had no air conditioning and a single oscillating fan provided little relief from the heat.

Matt was a superbly good-looking guy. His dark, almost black hair was cut in a very precise flattop with the sides and back clipped almost to the skin. He smiled when he saw Jared's hair: "Man, this is going to be quite a project."

He invited the boys inside and got them some cold Cokes from the refrigerator, apologizing for the lack of air conditioning. He got his barber kit from a kitchen cabinet and dragged a chair into the middle of the room. "Have a seat," he said. Jared sat down. Matt pulled an old sheet off his bed and draped it over Jared's shoulders.

Matt cut the rubber band that held Jared's ponytail together. He took a comb and began sorting out the sticky, sweaty mess. "You've got a lot of hair," he said. "Have you thought about how you want it?" Jared swallowed hard - this was the moment of truth. "I want it…like yours."

Matt laughed. "Sorry buddy, I don't think I can do that. I get mine cut at the barbershop. If I tried to cut yours like this, you'd look like you got attacked with a weed-wacker."

"I couldn't picture you with a flattop, anyway," said Seth. "And I couldn't stand having a clone of my brother around all the time."

Jared was disappointed. "Well, what's the next best thing?"

Matt ran his hands through Jared's hair, examining the shape of his skull. "Um…I could do a high and tight," he said.

"What's that?"

"You'd have the back and sides shaved as high up as mine" - he touched his own head to demonstrate - "but the top would be shorter, like Seth's."

"That sounds great," said Jared.

"You sure? That's an awful lot of hair you'll lose."

Jared's heart was pounding in his ears. "Yes! I'm sure. Just cut it before I change my mind."

He closed his eyes. Matt drew the comb through his long hair a few more times, then gathered it into a ponytail again. Holding the ponytail in one hand, he began gnawing through it with the barber shears, making a horrible, yet strangely satisfying, crunch. It took several seconds for him to remove the entire thickness of the ponytail. Then he turned on the clippers with the ¼" attachment in place. He set them on the back of Jared's head and cut a narrow strip up to the crown of his head. The clippers choked on his thick hair, but managed to send a 4" clump wafting to the floor.

"Feel that," Matt instructed. "That's how short the top is going to be."

Jared ran his finger along the clipped patch. It felt sublime, the way he imagined Seth's hair felt, but he'd never had the courage to ask to touch it. "Excellent," he muttered.

Matt turned off the clippers and removed the ¼" attachment. Then the buzzing resumed. "This is a #000 blade," he said proudly. "It's what I use."

Jared felt the warm blade touch down on the base of his skull. He shivered. Matt ran the clippers up to the crown of his head again and again, neatly stripping the back and sides bare. Jared was totally relaxed, mesmerized by the sound of the clippers chewing through his hair, relishing every pass of the vibrating blade across his scalp. Sheets of his long hair fell from his head, glanced off his shoulders and fell limply into his lap. When Matt turned off the clippers again to replace the ¼" attachment, Jared reached up and felt the sides of his head. It was certainly very different, feeling his hand resting directly against his scalp, with only a thin layer of coarse velvet in between.

"Looks good so far," said Seth. He was enjoying the transformation almost as much as Jared was.

Matt combed Jared's remaining hair straight forward, covering his face. He positioned the clippers, with the ¼" attachment, on Jared's forehead. "Almost done," he said. Jared was quite sorry to hear this. Matt pushed the clipper backwards through his hair, neatly peeling off another 4" swath. He kept running the clippers over the top of Jared's head several times, even after all the long hairs had been removed, to make sure each hair was a perfect quarter-inch and no more. Then he removed the attachment again and used the comb and bare blade to blend the top with the back and sides.

Once Jared's entire head was shorn, Matt dusted his scalp and neck with a stiff brush, though most of the severed splinters of hair were stuck in place with sweat. He apologized again for the lack of air conditioning.

At last the haircut was finished. Matt whisked the sheet off Jared and shook the clumps of cut hair to the floor. Jared couldn't believe he'd had so much hair.

"There you go, buddy," Matt said. "Go have a look."

Jared went into the bathroom to examine his haircut. He was shocked at how different he looked - much older, cleaner and more sophisticated. The shape of his jaw line was more defined and his dark brown eyes much more visible. He ran his hand over his shorn head, savoring the feel of the short bristles against the palm of his hand. He especially liked how the longer, quarter-inch hairs blended seamlessly with the sides. Why hadn't he ever done this before? He put his head under the faucet and turned on the cold water, rinsing the loose hairs off his head and neck and sending a shiver down his spine.

When he emerged from the bathroom, he was surprised to see Seth sitting in the chair, receiving what appeared to be the same haircut.

"What?" said Jared. "I thought you were growing yours out!"

Seth grinned. "I couldn't just sit there and watch you get that awesome haircut, without wanting to get mine cut the same way, now could I? Besides," he added, "when your dad starts having conniptions, I can say the haircuts were my idea."

"My brother the martyr," Matt laughed.

"Thanks, man," Jared said. "I'm sure the pair of us look pretty intimidating together. He might want to think twice before punishing me!"

Seth's haircut was finished much faster than Jared's, since he didn't lose any length off the top. Afterwards he, too, went and ran his head under the faucet to wash off the loose hairs. When he came out, he rubbed Jared's head with both hands. "Nice," he said. "You've got much better hair for this than I do."

The two of them helped Matt clean the apartment. They swept the hair clippings out onto the back balcony and sent them fluttering off the edge to the ground below. Jared gathered up his severed ponytail and tied a fresh rubber band around it, stuffing it in his pocket in case his mother wanted to keep it.

"Thanks a lot, Matt," he said as they left. "Maybe I can come back when I need this trimmed," he added. "In the meantime, learn to cut a flattop, because I really want one."

He and Seth rode back to Seth's house. Jared found the heat much more bearable without the long sticky ponytail trailing down his back. At Seth's house, he took a shower and gathered his wits, preparing to face his father. The shower felt especially good. Once his cropped hair was washed and dried, it sparkled brilliantly under the fluorescent bathroom light. If my dad doesn't think this is an improvement, he thought, he'd be completely insane.